This is a topic I’ve wanted to talk about for a while. But something has always stopped me. It’s like a taboo subject! But I hope that I do not offend anybody in writing this blog. Please remember that these are my thoughts and feelings. I am very aware that most people will read this and be completely unable to relate to it – or maybe be going through something of their very own at the moment and think me cruel! I am also aware that most people who read this will immediately think me shallow or think that I should be grateful to have been able to carry a healthy baby because so many people are unable to – and believe me, I was and very much AM grateful, that my dreams are coming true (to being able to have 5 children).
When you are pregnant, it goes without saying that the main concern that you have is for your baby – your only true want is that the baby is healthy. I understand this completely. And so, when you are asked – as all expectant mothers inevitably are – “Would you prefer a boy or a girl?” you are supposed to answer “I don’t mind, as long as its healthy”. I remember with my first from the moment I found out that I was pregnant, I was SO consumed with wondering what sex the baby would be – I was always trying out all kinds of silly old-wives tales!
So when number 3 was born and Gavins reaction to Seth didn’t go down very well, we decided this time round we would find out (first time knowing beforehand) we went for an early gender scan at 17 weeks pregnant and found out that baby was another boy again. I was very nervous this time round with regards to the gender, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and wasn’t bothered myself (or so I thought). It wasn’t till I was about 12 weeks pregnant and thought this time round i feel completely different. This is when I let myself think I might be having a girl.
Everyone I knew was having boys and all due within a small calendar window. I’d posted my picture on secret nub-groups and they got comments of a girl sway. Even the experts said 100% girl. I was so excited for our scan, when the day came we got the sonography to write it down so we could share the surprise with the family together. A friend came over to set off a clay trap for Gavin to shoot and the clay had the colour pink or blue in the smoke. When the colour came blue, my heart sank. Thinking Gavin would turn around to look at me and would be really disappointed.
I’d always told myself that at least one of my children will be a girl and now I’m left deflated because I don’t want my last to be an only girl (not that I think it will be now – mumma of 5 boys coming your way)! It’s a strange feeling that is super hard to explain or show the magnitude or gravitas it has on my shoulders. A girl now could only mean a Tom boy, having four older brothers that’s the inevitable, especially as I’m not exactly a girly girl myself! So number 5 might as well be a boy anyways and I feel so wrong saying that as I know Gavin is desperate for a girl. Your probably thinking ‘she’s already thinking about the next child, when this one hasn’t even been born yet’! And I hear you, it’s silly really, what’s the problem with having a Tom Boy, what’s the problem with having a Girly Boy! And there isn’t anything wrong with either gender, my boys are my biggest asset. It’s what the world tells us, we should have one of each child and everything will be ok! I know Gavin wants a girl to walk down the aisle at her wedding, a role he feels he really wants to do. I just want a mother-daughter bond, like I have with my mum. I wanted to take my child to ballet, to buy pretty dresses for, to be there to watch her give birth herself. I have a million girls names picked out and nothing for a fourth boy!
If Im honest, I’m fed up of blue. People have said to me ‘you won’t need to buy anything new this time’. Unfortunately by the fourth child, clothes are pretty much worn out or stained, so there’s been a lot of purchases in that sense.
I now feel cheated for knowing the sex and regret it immensely. I like the pushing power that comes from finding out your baby’s gender. The build up has gone and it’s been taken away from me in some ways. I feel so sorry and guilty for this poor little baby inside me, I’m not even gutted for his gender, I’m gutted for a future baby that might never happen! Being pregnant and hormonal, is leaving me very emotional! Thankfully I know as soon as I see my fourth little man and get to hold him for the first time all these feelings will disappear because, fundamentally, he is here and that’s all that matters!
If your feeling or ever have felt something like this, the only way to deal with it in the end, is to allow yourself to have the feelings, to acknowledge them and then move on.
Much love Rebecca